On Tuesday night, I saw The Hobbit: The Desolation of Extraordinarily Abrupt Endings. It was in 3D and there was a dragon, so I was pretty happy, nonetheless. Also, the film was filled with action, adventure, and wizards.
Plus, all the sexy short people.
It occurred to me about half-way through the film that all of the protagonists were short and stocky men. Dwarves. A Hobbit. They were killing orcs and battling dragons, scaling mountains and running river rapids. They weren’t beautiful. They weren’t slender. They weren’t tall.
So. This was new.
As a short and stocky guy, I have long since come to terms with the fact that most movie heroes are not going to look like me. Nathan Lane wouldn’t make a great Indiana Jones; Jack Black is never in the running for the next Bond. Hollywood is teeming with attractive, well-built guys over 5’10 who wait for their call while they practice riding off into the sunset with a too slender brunette. Short stocky guys are often relegated to the bumbling comic sidekick, never the guy riding off into the sunset with the girl, but the guy slipping off the pony behind them.
This could be on the turn around, however. With movies like The Hobbit and Lord of the Rings, the short and less than perfect leading man is becoming a fad for the first time since Genghis Khan ate much of Mongolia’s citizenry. In a reversal of typical Hollywood in pretty much every way, the hobbit and dwarves’ sidekicks were tall and slim. Gandalf. Insanely attractive elves. In fact, one of these tall beautiful elves was in love with one of our short stumpy protagonists. Crazy.
I stomped out of the theater with the gait of power and booming confidence of a man with a 28 inseam. Finally, a protagonist I can look up to! Well, not up to, but directly in the eyes of. After three beers I was intolerable, strutting around like I was 5’8.
Our time has come, and we are not the first nontraditionally attractive group to be finally brought to the sexy limelight. Patrick Stewart and Bruce Willis brought sexy back to the bald man. Zooey Deschanel and Jason Schwartzman somehow made hipsters appealing. Even Benedict Cumberbatch and Samuel L. Jackson awakened the desire within us all to have sexy time with a praying mantis. And a hobbit and dwarves have brought the sexy back to the short and stocky. Danny DeVito’s phone must be ringing off the hook.
If you are one of us you might be asking: what does this mean for me? Well, my short friend, it means you are about to become a sex symbol. Get ready for smoldering stares from beautiful women at bars and pubs. They’ll look right past that pro tennis player and right at your 38 short.
Moreover, it means a whole world of opportunities until now left to the tall, athletic, and handsome. We’ll become quarterbacks and A-list actors. We’ll be in consideration for other tall people professions like endorsing car dealerships and modeling pants in the JC Penny catalog. We may be in the running for more traditionally sexy and handsome guy roles: Black as Bond, DeVito as the vampire Lestat, Robin Williams as Oscar Schindler.
Hell, one of us might get the nod for Christian Grey.
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