Wednesday, April 30, 2014

Well now this is awkward. | Veritable.Verity

A figure of speech which has always puzzled me is the famous “you could get any girl/guy you want!”

No…no they cant. And neither can you. If this were true I’d be married to Johnny Depp. -_-

That is such a loaded phrase. People who say that always seem to do so in the same inflection. And most of the time it is to someone whom they are either consoling after a romantic hardship, or they are secretly jealous of the other person but are masking it in the form of a compliment.

I will be 26 in June. I have lived long enough to know that I am very much like that line in Shakespeare’s “As You Like It” (“Sell when you can, you are not for all markets.”) I’m awkward. As my friend Danny decided to blatantly express to me recently, “Yeah, you’re surprisingly awkward!”. (Thanks again Danny.) >.<

Perhaps it's my resting-mad-face. Perhaps it's my sense of humor. Perhaps it's the fact that whenever I'm in a new environment I tend to plant myself in a corner or at a bar stool and take in as much of my surroundings as possible before gaining the courage to move about the space freely. Perhaps its my bat necklaces. Perhaps it's just me.

I'm just…awkward.

But I feel my awkwardness is a functioning awkward. Not just functioning, but perhaps even charming. My awkwardness is quirky! It makes for conversation, smiles, laughter…even if someone is laughing AT me, that's still a better personality side-effect than getting punched in the face for making someone angry! I have worked with people who are INSANELY awkward for no real reason though. I have a co-worker who will arrive at my desk, holding a paper with some task for me to do, and instead of saying a single word, he just stands there and stares at me until I speak to him. Why? WHY? (Out-awkwarding-the-awkward makes my brain hurt.)

In a way awkwardness is "in" now, with the media likes of Zooey Deschanel, Michael Cera, and the entire cast of Big Bang Theory. Marketable awkwardness. Personality quirks being marketed to the masses as the media exploits the charmingly-befuddledness of today's 20's to 30's-somethings.

But lets step back, and define this beast:


adjective \ˈȯ-kwərd\

not graceful

lacking skill

difficult to use or handle

Ok, I'll admit that I'm not the most graceful. Physically or socially. And I know I can be pretty difficult to handle at times. But who isn't lacking in at least ONE skill?! I can't play the harmonica, guess that makes me awkward! To say "lacking skill" in a general sense is worse! It makes "awkward" an insult. A nice way of saying you have no idea what you're doing and no idea about what you're doing.

Perhaps society has placed "awkward" in the place that "outcast" used to hold. We use it to describe anyone who "sticks out like a sore thumb". Anyone who acts different.

So to digress to the above statement, perhaps its because of the wretched awkwardness that not everyone can "get any guy/girl they want". Is being awkward the way that culture decides the future wives from the future cat ladies?

Since I was 13 years old, I've had painful crushes, unrequited endeavors, and countless cases of "I know he's WAY out of my league. I'm not even going to try." Now, 13 years LATER…not much has changed.

I'll go to a rock show and see plethora of adorableness, yet none of them any look at me. I'll go onto the train and get hit on by smelly guys nearly twice my age. WHAT IS THIS VOODOO!? The only exception lately has been the ultimate in time-wasting-grossness for me. Guys (who I am in NO WAY attracted to) will see that I'm alone at the bar (because I usually am…) and strike up a conversation, with the sole intent not to learn anything about me, except the answer to this question "So, wanna go back to my place?"

The answer is and always will be "no".

I'm not a prude. I have this horrible affliction called self-respect.

(This is for another blog entirely, but the truth of the matter is, "to each their own". I wont judge anyone for their choices, as long as no one judges me for mine. Seems fair.)

Besides…as I mentioned before…so far…none of the guys, upon first meeting them at a bar, who ever asked me that, were of any merit or level of attractiveness. Besides, their ego makes them even more disgusting.

But as for the pretty ones, who I actually want to talk to…I have no idea how to speak to them. I might as well make my words into a burrito and shove them all in my mouth at once, because there's no way for me to speak intelligently. I can talk shop with guys all day! Music, video games, obscure film references. But if I think you're pretty….I'm immobilized. Till the other person breaks the ice, the butterflies strangle my esophagus and I'm rendered useless. Or even worse, I get this damaging "he's out of my league" mentality.

This is not to say that I haven't had wonderful, beautiful, inspiring relationships throughout my teens and 20's. But for every moment of poetic bliss, I've had about double the encounters of "Awkward Fail". I know I'm not alone in that. But it's still worth noting.

I'm getting complainy now. I'll stop. My point is I feel like awkward people are brushed under the rug. Ignored by those who "know better" or are "more confident", etc. This is yet again a statement of "what is normal anyway?" Because those who are deemed as "normal" are shunning those who are "awkward".

I'm getting preachy now. I'll stop. My point is…oh dang it I already typed that…um….ok….well…right then…now this is…awkward.


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