Apparently this Italian film translates as "The Bicycle Thief," and it's about a sad man who spends the whole movie searching for his stolen bike. Apparently it's also one of the greatest films of all time, somehow. (via Wikimedia Commons)
1. "Borrowing" people's bikes. Even if you return them after.
I don't care how drunk and carefree you are, this is not nearly as whimsical or adorable as you think it is. This is not Oberlin, you are not Zooey Deschanel, and nobody is going to be delighted by the sight of you riding off into the sunset on their bike, your vintage housedress fluttering in the breeze as Belle & Sebastian plays in the background. Either ask to borrow it, or walk.
2. Sleeping through the first ten minutes of your 9:40.
I see you. I know you. I've probably exchanged a curt nod with you as we sprint past each other on Middle Path every Tuesday/Thursday morning. It's time to break this cycle.
3. Not really knowing what a provost is.
Honest to God, I once heard a friend refer to "Dean Provost" in conversation. Guys. Dean Toutain. Provost Samhat. Even if you have no idea what their actual jobs entail (and you're in good company…seriously though, wut it iz provost?), at least know that there's a difference between the two. (Ed.: Here's another handy hidden section of the Kenyon website that helps answer those tough questions.)
4. Leaving your dirty dishes on the table in Peirce instead of taking them to the dish return.
Nothing brings out my inner angry soccer mom quite like this minor act of douchebaggery. You march yourself right back to that table, young man/lady, and pick up your empty pho bowl. Do you think AVI workers have nothing better to do than clean up after you? Do you think you're better than everybody else? Keep it up with this crap, and you can just forget about going to Caitlynn's bat mitzvah next weekend. I don't care if we already RSVP'ed.
5. Blaming everything on midterms.
Don't lie to yourself — you know you were just as tense and weird and annoyed by irrelevant things (like everything I've listed above) two weeks ago as you are now. Own your curmudgeonliness, Kenyon.
Advertisement
