I'm sure you're shocked, since a more accurate but less pithy title for this blog would be That Awkward Moment When I Realize I Hate Everything. (Actually that's not half-bad.) In my defense, this blog is the best break I get from my Masters in Counseling program, or to put it another way, being so self-aware that you cry at least twice a week.
Let me glance back at the title of this post to remind myself of my topic. Ok, Zooey Deschanel. Or more particularly, her character Jess on "New Girl," but we all know Zooey's playing herself. I was not interested in watching that show when it first started, mainly because of this weird bias I have against the manic pixie dream girl: I hate it when people describe someone (or worse, themselves) as "quirky." Technically everyone is a little weird. I don't think anyone deserves a cookie for being human. Fortunately enough people convinced me to give the show a fair shot, and now I always keep up with it. My motivation is 95% everything Schmidt says and does and 5% I think Nick is hot. But Jess? Eh.
Now before we dive into the inevitable vituperation, I should point out that there are things I like about the character of Jess. I cheered when she yelled at Winston for being a jerk to the kids she plays handbells with. I thought it was admirable when she included Julia in whatever hippie thing she and her friends were doing with yarn. In spite of myself, I liked it when she bothered to connect with the landlord, until it got creepy. She's not a bad character by any means.
But for a long time, my real problem with Jess/Zooey was a vague, unarticulated discontent that lurked while I tried to distract myself with Schmidt's antics and Nick's angst. Then I read an article by my favorite Cracked columnist, Daniel O'Brien (Dan, if you're reading this, my life is complete) and it all crashed into sharp focus. Prepare to be disillusioned.
"Jess & Julia" was the first episode I saw where I truly liked Zooey's character. Remember the part in the courthouse where Julia made fun of Jess for, well, being herself, and Jess owned it all, saying, "That doesn't mean I'm not smart and tough and strong!"? I was like, Yeah! Tell that mean old lawyer! And then it hit me: I didn't connect with Jess because I respected her. I connected because I felt sorry for her.
I don't like Jess because she's just one more version of a helpless female. If a guy hipster sat down and penned a misogynist's parody of my sex, it would be her. She spends an inordinate amount of time flitting around in distress, shrieking hoarsely and waving her inept little hands. And you know why she gets away with it? She is ridiculously attractive. I mean, come on, it's not even fair. Think about it. If you had an ugly friend who was as socially incompetent as Jess, everyone would feel sorry for her rather than being intrigued by her. But she's beautiful, so it's charming instead of stupid for her to wear overalls on a big date, or slur ALL HER WORDS, as if between takes she skips behind the studio and drinks gin.
Maybe I'm just jealous because no one thinks my ineptitude is adorable. My inability to type properly or change a tire doesn't engage anyone's interest; mostly I just get "Didn't you have Mavis Beacon in elementary school?" or "Here, let me make you a list of things that will carry you into adulthood. Step one: buy a jack." But here's Zooey Deschanel, with carte blanche to act like a twelve-year-old sniffing paint thinners, just because she wears bright blue tights and her eyes are the size of Texas.
I should point out that I recently saw Ms. Deschanel making fun of herself on SNL, which went a long way toward redeeming her in my eyes. But I still think that if Schmidt has to put money in the Douchebag Jar every time he makes casual mention of his cheetah-print laptop sleeve or his Irish walking cape, Jess should have to fill up a MPDG jar every time she waves happily to a man brandishing a gun, or whenever her eyes widen beyond the standard size of Michelin tires. Who's with me?
And honestly, when are she and Nick just going to get it over with?
