Every person has one nagging desire to be something or someone that they know will never be fulfilled. It changes with time, growing closer and further away, stronger and weaker until maybe it consumes you, or just disappears. Some punters watch talent shows and wish they had talent, others watch sporting shows and wish they had athletic prowess, and then there are others who watch them and say very loudly to themselves, "I could totally do that, I just don't have the time/injured my foot/lost my voice/have a medical disorder that prevents me from being seen on camera, sort of like a vampire/insert appropriate excuse here." I don't like to pretend I can do certain things. There are certain things I am absolutely certain I cannot do. And that's okay. But at least I can always complain about it. That is one thing I am quite skilled at, make no mistake…
The things I wish I could do but know I'll never be able to are…
1) Painting my nails perfectly
I look at images like the following:
(Zooey Deschanel's Golden Globes Manicure)
… and think: "Yeah it must be totally doable!" But hold on, for me it's just not. I've never had a steady hand, and while it's improved over time and I do thoroughly enjoy nail polish, you will notice that more of it has ended up on my carpet (strategically hidden by the floral rug in front of my dresser) or other random bedroom and bathroom furnishings than where it should. And I always paint my nails the day before so all the mess I made around the actual nail comes off. Drawing tiny moustaches or tuxedos on my nails? NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN.
2) Playing the guitar
Yes, I can play several chords, and perhaps if I tried I might get somewhere. But this is more about the fact that I'll never bother to try than anything else. That guitar my mother bought for $20 from a garage sale in the 70′s will sit there gathering dust and going out of tune until it will be tuned no more. Not that I'm breaking my cardinal rule and assuming I could play guitar if I wanted. I just couldn't bear being one of those people (in particular girls) who learn guitar and play the songs they wrote for everyone and meanwhile all anyone can think it "How do we get her to stop playing guitar?" Replace guitar with piano and I'm incredibly guilty of that. But don't say it to my face, please.
3) Being able to draw…
Illustration by Emma Block, of Corrie Nielsen's LFW show, Vestiarium Scoticum
Not too long ago, I lamented at my dream to be able to draw on this very blog. That lamentation still holds very much true. I was once told that drawing was simply a matter of patience and practice; following the mantra: you see a line, you draw a line. I very much doubt that. Someone might spend an hour drawing and come up with something fairly terrible. But I do agree that patience and practice are two aspects very important to drawing, such that without them one is not good at all. An artistic eye is also necessary, as well as imagination. So although I'd like to draw, I don't think patience is what prevents me. Although it is true I'm bursting with impatience…
4) Being good at sport.
Most of you already have this. So therefore you won't understand. And I don't care much about this but I spose it would have helped when I was younger, and will help in future when I find myself lumping on the kilos with no care to remove them. Everyone at school always said "We'll respect you if you just get involved." But look, I was Daria not really caring. If I don't want to do something, I generally don't, and this includes any sporting activity I don't feel like participating in. Also I hate feeling patronised, and if there's one thing that patronising in my eyes, it's the old "good try" when I flail like the pigeon that once hit my windscreen and rolled over the top of the car and still miss the volleyball. Sure, sure, it's 'encouragement' you tell me. Encouragement Ensmouragement. PATRONISING. I think I could write a whole blog on this… (note to self) but nevertheless, despite my hatred, life would be a lot easier and rosier if I was just good at sport. Or if I could even run for that matter. But unfortunately God blessed me with exercise-induced asthma and strangely large but relatively low-functioning muscles that tend to turn into wooden poles when required to exert themselves. Note to muscles: this is not method acting, you are MUSCLES. Deal with it. Not everyone can be a tree.
5) Making pancakes
No matter how I try, I am woeful at cooking pancakes effectively. It's one of my biggest regrets, as I love pancakes. Shrove Tuesdays are hard for me…
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