Yesterday, I found myself driving the wide open road by myself for the first time in over three years. No tiny voices from the backseat, no carseats. The sun was shining. It was warm. And the east idaho fields across the freeway were the prettiest green I've ever seen. It is spring around these parts. And it is pure.
I drove barefoot, drove fast and listened to music loud enough I couldn't hear myself singing, (and I was singing my heart out). I was breathing and breathing, taking it in. In one small moment, I felt like me. The old, real me who has, as of late, felt inexplicably lost in this incredible, intense labor that is motherhood.
I have dedicated my life to nurturing the two tiny souls I've brought into this world. Day and day out, I kiss and hold and love them. I sing to them. I move for them. And if I'm to be truthful, it is exhausting. I'm coming to find how easy it is for me to fade and gray. Evenstill, I'm learning the importance of nurturing my own self. I remind myself my heart loves certain things for very certain reasons. To feed my soul. Because when my soul is fed, I can pour myself into others. Certainly, as a mother, this is my life's work. And really, I'm propelled by simple things.
My name is Hollie. I'm twenty-six and three quarters. I have one wild imagination, like a free-spirited child. I need poetry and pretty words to stay alive. I like staying up too late and eating chocolate cake on sunday nights. I love star gazing, sunsets, and spring time. I love hugs, old sweaters and gray sweats.
Yesterday, my soul was fed. Somewhere, in the vast, wide fields between Twin Falls and home, I counted enough of my favorite things to mend me, to fill my heart so full it was bursting. The sun, the drive, the white snow on the blue, blue mountains, the green grass, being alone, breathing. It was all what I needed. It was just for me.
"Being tender and open is beautiful. As a woman, I feel continually shhh'ed. Too sensitive. Too mushy. Too wishy washy...Don't let someone steal your tenderness. Don't allow the coldness and fear of others to tarnish your perfectly vulnerable beating heart. Nothing is more powerful than allowing yourself to truly be affected by things. Whether it's a song, a stranger, a mountain, a rain drop, a tea kettle, an article, a sentence, a footstep, feel it all – look around you. All of this is for you. Take it and have gratitude. Give it and feel love." -Zooey Deschanel
