Death & Dentistry For 4/24/12: If today is your birthday: Existence precedes essence so feel free to kill all the goats.
Aries: Today you'll have a better understanding of what the GOP calls "clear abuse of judicial power," when the judge, your ex-wife, issues a bench warrant for you arrest for terrorist planning and association.
Taurus: The direction and energy of the day when your dog leaves a note on the pillow saying, "It's like I don't even know you anymore."
Gemini: You are uninterested in taking part today, if you have to make the decision now, I'd probably lean towards going into a pillow fort.
Cancer: You tend to be self-critical, but to be fair if you're listening to lot of 4 Non Blondes you have a reason to hate yourself is.
Leo: Timing and geography can be a bitch, especially running out of gas and water in the middle of Death Valley.
Virgo: Try to cut back on your emotional investment in Zooey Deschanel, maybe less than 20 fan emails and Tweets an hour.
Libra: Take advantage of the New Moon rising by having lots of candy, especially tasty, tasty, fizzy Zotz.
Scorpio: Be careful that you haven't bought into the illusion than anything you do matters in the great scope and cure of the Universe.
Sagittarius: Let that last vagina go as it was never yours to begin with, maybe you will have sex again.
Capricorn: You instinctively know that a move across the country is the best way to create your new identity, so stop holding back now that the arson is completed there is nothing holding you here.
Aquarius: She dropped a shoe, damning evidence. It is time to slow down and pay attention to detail.
Pisces: Others won't see the humor in shoving a guy in front of the subway train, but we do.
