It's been quite a while since I've done a post relating to what I learned in Youth. It might have something to do with the length of time it takes to type it up, but I've been absolutely horrible about not uploading the notes in my pink floral spiral. Now that it's summer I don't have any more excuses not to blog about everything that I've learned, and it's something that I intend on doing every Sunday for the rest of my summer vacation. I have weeks and weeks of sermons just waiting to be shared in that pink floral spiral and I will share it; starting next week.
I know, I know, it might seem that I'm procrastinating yet again but I have a legitimate excuse this time around. I really want to share this passage first so that when I do start uploading what I've learned I can go through the series of related sermons without interrupting them.
I read two devotionals (or make a very big effort to) every night. One of them is called This Is Now, a book compiled by a woman named Patti M. Hummel and it's full of advice from real teenage (Christian) girls from around the world. It's a 365 day devotional, so every day I have something new to read. There was a passage that I read on May 13 that really stuck with me and I feel the need to share what it said.
The Next Step
by Audrey Foster, 19, Hanover College, Fishers, IN
The steps of the godly are directed by the Lord. He delights in every detail of their lives. -Psalm 37:23 (NLT)
"For me, figuring out the steps after high school seemed like camping in an unknown forest alone-and I am not an out-of-doors kind of girl, and the idea of "roughing it"does not appeal to me. In other words I felt really lonely, lost, and unsure of any decision I quickly needed to make. All the rest of my friends knew they were going to this school and studying that subject to obtain a career in this or that. I tried to think of all those things too, while also praying to God to direct my steps, but He remained silent! I had no idea what the next steps were, although all the pressure seemed to continue to pile up. Finally I gave up thinking about the answers to all the questions and began to listen to my heart. Although I am passionate about many things, there are a few particular things that I especially like. These things make me alive and enthusiastic about loving God more and living life more fully. My heart feels as if it were about to burst at any moment! Thinking about my passions in life gave me guidance to make my choice. God didn't send a huge sign. Instead, He whispered to me that I should follow my heart- and thankfully I was listening."
Figuring out what I want to do with my life is by far the hardest thing I've ever had to ponder about. It seems that the majority of my friends have their lives planned out and I'm still here scratching my head and looking around. This decision is a constant source of stress for me and ever since I started high school it feels like I'm running out of time. Which I am. Sure I'm only fifteen but in the eyes of many people I know I should be coming to a conclusion of what I want to do in the near future. So far I just have a "No" list going for me; all the things that I have absolutely no interest in doing. I don't want to have to deal with blood, I really don't want to be a teacher, and I don't think that I want a desk job. I know that I want to go and see things and make an impact and most importantly, I want to help people. Which is a start I guess, but it's a small start.
When I was little (and when I say little I mean almost three years ago in seventh grade) I wanted to be in the FBI after watching an episode of Criminal Minds. I knew that actually working for the FBI wasn't going to be like it was on the show, and I wanted to find missing children anyways. I remember that job seemed so right at the time but several people found it funny that I wanted to work for the FBI. I started to question that thought and after a while it didn't feel so right anymore.
I've gone on mission trips with my youth group every year since I was twelve. It's, hands down, my favorite time of the year (yes, more than Christmas) and I've yet to have a bad experience. I don't mind sleeping on the host church's floor (I love my air mattress!) and I love how close you get with your work teams. I love feeding the neglected dogs in the neighborhoods that we visit and the joy of our clients when they are finally able to leave their homes on their newly built wheelchair ramps. There's worship every night and I always feel so connected and passionate about God. Mission trips renew my love for God and remind me why I'm a Christian in the first place; to serve and not to be served. For a while I wanted to be a missionary, to always be connected with God and impact others and that felt so right to me. Except I began to think that maybe I wouldn't like going on mission trips if I wasn't with my church and if all my friends weren't going with me.
At the beginning of freshman year I decided that I love the Spanish language and that Spanish would be a great thing to minor in. Living where I do it's impossible not to go out into the public and not hear people conversing in Spanish so it would be extremely helpful. I'd get paid so much more with whatever I end up choosing and it seemed like such a simple thing that I could learn to do. Except it really isn't. The dialogues that my Pre-AP teacher made me do were absolutely nerve wracking and if I was scared to speak memorized lines in front of the class, how could I speak with native speakers? I don't want to be a lazy American who can only speak one language while there are other kids out there who work their butts off learning multiple languages, but being fluent in Spanish just seems so impossible.
I'm thinking that my biggest issue is second guessing myself. I'm awful at making snap decisions because I have to carefully analyze any possible outcomes of my choices. (that fruit salad sure looks tasty and it's healthy but the French fries are delicious and I rarely eat them but I don't want to gain weight). I've always been that way and that's why I'm having all these issues in the first place. I've always been told to follow my heart, to do what makes me happy. But what if I don't know what my heart truly wants? What if I make a choice that doesn't make me happy? I don't want to hate my job like I hate going to school. It just seems that my heart is never consistent in what it wants, and it seems like Audrey Foster went through what I'm going through now. I pray, but there's no answer. There's definitely a reason as to why that passage jumped out at me, and it was something extremely comforting to me. Who knows when, but one day I'll finally make a decision. I really hope that I'll come across this passage again and something will click, or someone else will come across this passage and something will click for them. Until then, I have a lot of praying and listening to do.
Prayer (also from the passage above):
God, I want to be able to hear Your voice. Teach me to really listen, so that Your words can guide me. Amen.
