May 24th, 2012
"I'm gonna end up alone. I'm gonna be a single old lady flashin' people on the subway."
Jess/Zooey Deschanel "The New Girl", 2012
"My hair hurts. I've been dating since I was fifteen. I'm exhausted. Where is he?"
Charlotte "Sex and the City 3.1, 2000
" It's like, dating language, y'know like, "it's not you" means, it is you."
Joey, " Friends" 103 – The One With the Thumb , 1994
"They've just broken up with the most wonderful woman in the world, or they've just broken up with a bitch who looks exactly like me.
They're in transition from a monogamous relationship and they need more space. Or they're tired of space, but they just can't commit.
Or they want to commit, but they're afraid to get close. They want to get close, you don't want to get near them."
Meg, "The Big Chill", 1983
In 1985, a guy said to me, "Dating is a process of elimination." He had a theory that went like this… EVERYONE eventually wants to get serious, get married or get coupled up, so…we date. and not just to choose, but to eliminate. I loved that line, and did a file/ save on it, as I knew I'd use it one day. It's a good line and a good point. He got the definition, which I found, that called dating "a form of courtship consisting of social activities done by two people with the aim of each assessing the other's suitability as a partner in an intimate relationship or as a spouse". Sounds like being on the other side of a job interview. Sounds like not much fun.
Look at the above choice bits pulled from the last four decades. It doesn't change much, does it? What they describe feels kind of excruciating…like childbirth or sciatica…without drugs. Perhaps that's why so many people drink on dates. "My hair hurts" was simply Charlotte with a hangover after a bad date. I never forgot it. It stated so perfectly that Charlotte was so sick of the whole thing, parts of her that weren't supposed to hurt felt like they were hurting too. Meg's rant was always one of my favorites as well, as she was looking back over 20 plus years of the dating rituals she put herself through, and as for Jess/Zooey, what is she…twelve? She's too young to sound that jaded, but it's already happening to her. If the show continues for 20 years or so, they could change the name to "The Old Girl" and she might sound just like Meg.
Is dating simply the means to an end? Is it something we keep doing, sometimes for years, so we'll never have to do it again? Perhaps we date to get to the place where we'll never have to date, or we are at the coupled up place, where we just think we'll never have to date, and then something happens to uncouple us. Suddenly, we are out there again, in dating purgatory, "assessing each other's suitability".
We have options. We can choose singleness. I know a lot of people who are in that space. They either don't care about dating, they've aged out of the feeling that they should, or as a woman said to me the other night, "I've discovered, I'm the happiest when I'm free." But, for many of us, like me, we keep coming back for more, because we want to. Period. So, let's talk about dating over the lifespan and what we may or may not have learned about "elimination. Remember, these are tongue in cheek, but there's some basics here you might relate to.
Let's start with…The very young…dating with no rules…no process of elimination
When I was growing up, there wasn't really a dating playbook, or a set of instructions. Really, when you were fifteen or sixteen, did you know all the types you should rule out? Did Mom or Dad, (probably Mom) sit you down and say things like,"you know, I'm thinking that little Johnny or little Susie might have problems with intimacy due to their lack of parental bonding, so this most likely won't work for you?" Or, "Say, you might have noticed that when you were sneaking beers behind the house the other night, that little Billy drank more than everyone else, acted like a complete ass, and threw up, indicating a future penchant for alcohol that will seriously affect his life and anyone he chooses to marry?". Heck no, they didn't, and even if they did, most likely your sixteen year old self wasn't listening. My parents tried, my mother with words, and my father by just making them leave or running them off, but I really, really didn't listen, and most of us did Then, as now, we might have dated the following:
1) Whoever we thought was cute.
2) Whoever thought you were cute….this is deep stuff, stay with me here.
3) Whoever your friends thought was cute.
4) Whoever the whole school thought was cute (that is, if they noticed us at all)
5) Whoever we damn well pleased, particularly if it made your parents nervous.
Moving on to…Still young or youngish, learning some rules and getting smarter…some elimination…maybe
Wasn't there a book called "The Rules"? If I remember right, it was sort of a "gamesmanship" guide for women to essentially behave in a certain way to get a man. I wasn't a fan, but it was something. Mercifully, for many of us, as we went through the years, we started learning what really, really didn't work. We didn't always follow it to the letter ( I didn't, and I knew better). Pop psychology and non-pop psychology gave us some more information…about what to avoid. We learned about relationships that weren't good for us or anyone around us, and then we might have dated, or married the following:
1) Whoever we thought was cute…even if they were emotionally still 12 year olds, and we knew it, so we probably, eventually, ended it.
2) Whoever thought you were cute…even if they were some kind of addict, and we probably, eventually, ended it.
3)Whoever your friends thought was cute, or smart, or charismatic, or successful (things change here, don't they)…even if they were a pompous ass, so we might have ended it.
4)Whoever everyone at work thought was cute…even if they thought almost everyone else was cute, and hit on every one of them…behind our backs …and then, we maybe ended it, but probably they did.
5)Whoever we damn well pleased, but it didn't last as long, because we were starting to get it…maybe.
We hopefully or possibly progress to…A more mature, rational and healthier approach…lots of elimination.
Wouldn't it be great if we were there? Here's how that might look and who we might date:
1) Whoever we think is cute. There's a smiley face here, but we still want someone we're drawn to in that way. But they also may have to be ..kind, fun to talk to, considerate, loyal, respectful, supportive, responsible, emotionally mature and honest.
2)Whoever thinks we are cute. They still have to be drawn to us too.. and hopefully they think we are all of the above as well.
3) Whoever our friends think are the the above. Or we may not care what our friends think.
4) Whoever people in general think are the above. Or maybe we don't care what people in general think at all.
5) Whoever we damn well please that's left, and has the above qualities because we've already eliminated a whole lot of people.
Some of us don't get healthier. It took me a lot of years, and I'm still not completely there. If we are still on the planet, and not ascended masters or something, most of us aren't completely there either.
And, if we do land, do get coupled up, do we ever stop "dating"? I talked to a woman the other day whose first date was in 1972. Forty years ago…and she's still doing it. There ought to be an anniversary card for that. It's an achievement. We reward those who stick it out for forty years with a bunch of cards, and probably a great big anniversary party. Why don't we congratulate those who've traveled a different path, but stuck to it, even if the names kept changing? Perhaps we had marriages in those forty years, so one could probably say that we haven't been dating for forty years at all. But…haven't you ever sat across from your spouse or partner, perhaps now an ex-spouse or partner, "assessing their suitability", not knowing that they might be doing the same thing…a "what was I thinking" thing crossing your mind, or theirs? And, don't we have a new phenomenon called "date night?". If you practice that ritual (and who came up with that one, anyway?), I don't care how married or committed you are, you're still dating. Perhaps it's not the queasy "first date" in the process of elimination, but it counts.
My last "first date" was three years ago. I was very, very lucky. We were both older, had been through other marriages, and had been friends for 10 years. We already knew a lot of each others stuff, and we passed the "elimination" test. Beautifully. I married him, because I really loved him..and also because…my hair was starting to hurt.
So, tell me about how you eliminated, or didn't…
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