A young professional's take on the trials and tribulations of everyday life in New York City.
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By Nina Pajak
Hello, Oscar!
Wait. They're Sunday, right?
Kidding. I know they're Sunday. I've practically memorized all the slideshows with titles like, "Dresses the Stars Could Maybe Wear to Sunday's Oscars! Maybe! (We Don't Really Know)." There's some good, exciting stuff that's going to happen!
Photos: Stars Gather At 83rd Annual Academy Awards Nominee Luncheon
Personally, the only aspect of the show which I find to be genuinely entertaining is the opportunity to watch beautiful people bedecked in millions of dollars worth of couture gowns and brand-name diamonds. I don't get any pleasure out of watching people embarrass themselves on stage (gives me anxiety; therapist aware), so I think the last time I enjoyed an awards show segment or performance was when the artist known as Soy Bomb sneak-attacked Bob Dylan during the 1998 Grammys and writhed maniacally on-stage for a while (a really strangely long while) until security nabbed him.
And yet, for reasons which will probably never become clear or really matter, I feel the important need to watch the Academy Awards year after year. Have I seen the movies? No, not I have not. Do I care who wins? Not really, outside of having the ability to participate in the next day's water cooler talk. Most years I'm on my computer or reading or on the phone or popping in and out of the room in between straightening up and mindlessly consuming the remaining contents of my refrigerator while standing up. But this year, I think I ought to do this proper. So here's a drinking game I've made up. If you don't drink, you can simply get buzzed off the snarky satisfaction that people are really, really predictable. Personally, I prefer wine.
Pre-show red carpet:
Someone steps on someone else's train and pretends to be sorry. Take 1 sip.
Clooney makes a buddy joke about Pitt. Take 1 sip, hug friend.
Underclothed, super pregnant starlet. Drink for 2.
Pitt makes a buddy joke about Clooney. Take 1 sip, receive hug.
Gorgeous hunky movie star brings mom as date, raises sexuality questions but scores big with the ladies at after-parties due to his newly-established "sensitivity." Take 1 sip for each hook-up you suspect is in his future.
Zooey Deschanel is the super cutest hippest cutest smurfiest little princess bunny ballerina. Take 1 sip, hug your Carebear and burp fairy dust.
During telecast:
Presenter flubs line, acts like it's the funniest, cleverest thing in the world. Take 1 sip while yelling something derogatory at the television.
Award-winner "gets the music," makes joke about going over time and not receiving his/her free Chanel watch. Take half a sip, otherwise you'll be comatose before they get to "Best Supporting."
Someone forgets to thank his wife, TOTALLY FREAKS OUT and insists on getting some backstage camera time to make up for what will no doubt cost him a new pair of breasts or a really nice sports car. Finish your drink.
Female winner thanks husband, agent, film industry types, God, and finally, Meryl Streep, whose brilliance makes this victory so much sweeter bahahahahahaha! is such an inspiration and omg #sohumbling. Take sip, spit it out.
Person of color wins award, camera pans to unrelated person of corresponding race in the audience for a reaction shot. Alternate rule: anytime The Help receives an on-stage mention, camera pans to African-American attendee unaffiliated with the film. Take 1 sip for every audience member who gets featured, feel sad.
Clooney and Pitt do a surprise buddy number. WITH NEIL PATRICK HARRIS?? Shots all around!
Next week, I'll teach you how to do my Monday morning "Eye-opener with Joan and Melissa Rivers" pre-work fashion police drinking game!
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Dear Readers: While I am rarely at a loss for words, I'm always grateful for column ideas. Please feel free to e-mail me your suggestions and follow me on Twitter.
Nina Pajak is a writer and publishing professional living with her husband on the Upper West Side.
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