Posted: April 25, 2012 | Author: karel | Filed under: class, gender, race | I've had several blog post ideas come to mind lately – an update on my previous, poorly titled post which is not actually about Zooey Deschanel but more about the writers of her show, a commentary about the ubiquitous Team Gale/Team Peeta debate (okay, ubiquitous among YA fiction readers…), some curious messages I've gotten on a shall-not-be-named free dating site that I've been playing around on. These may all materialize at some point, but today I saw this article shared a few times on my Facebook feed and it's gotten my wheels turning.
The short of it is that in 1997 Glamour published a list of 30 things every woman should have and should know by the time they reach age 30. The reason it's resurfacing now is that the concept has gone and turned into a book of essays, written by women, about each of the list items. I will be curious to thumb through the book, but for now a few things about the list strike me:
1. It's hetero-normative
2. It assumes an upper middle class level of financial comfort for "every woman"
3. It uses the word "should" which… I'll get into that later
Let's break it down.
1. It's hetero-normative. In other words, it does not account for women who do not, primarily or at all, seek romantic/sexual relationships with men.
- One old boyfriend you can imagine going back to and one who reminds you of how far you've come.
- Something perfect to wear if the employer or man of your dreams wants to see you in an hour.
- How to quit a job, break up with a man, and confront a friend without ruining the friendship.
What's really unfortunate about this oversight is that the meaning behind each of these statements would not be lost if the word "boyfriend" or "man" were replaced with "partner" or "person." So no, I do not think that whoever came up with this list intended to marginalize women who are not straight-identified. But it speaks to an insular and linear way of thinking that does not even consider the variety of the public audience. It speaks to the privilege of not having to consider it.
2. It assumes an upper middle class level of financial comfort for "every woman." When I read lists and articles like this, I often imagine that they're talking to the women on Sex and the City. (Did I just date myself? Sorry) Women who have financial and social privilege, luxury, and opportunity:
- A decent piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in your family.
- The realization that you are actually going to have an old age — and some money set aside to help fund it.
- An email address, a voice mailbox, and a bank account — all of which nobody has access to but you.
- A résumé that is not even the slightest bit padded.
- Something ridiculously expensive that you bought for yourself, just because you deserve it.
- The names of the secretary of state, your great-grandmothers, and the best tailor in town.
- How to live alone, even if you don't like to.
These items assume that "every woman," as she approaches 30, can afford the following: a "decent" (what's decent? Is IKEA decent? Is "free on the side of the road and not falling apart" decent?) piece of not hand-me-down furniture, savings/retirement, a computer or computer access, "something ridiculously expensive," custom-tailored clothing, and to live alone. It assumes that she has had enough opportunity for employment to "not even… slight[ly]" pad her résumé. It assumes that she has enough time to be politically savvy and learn the names of her government officials.
I know women around 30 years old who have or know some of these things. Maybe I even know some who have or know all of them, although that's not really the kind of information that comes up in everyday conversation ("You know you're gonna be old, right? How's that retirement fund coming along?" "So is your résumé full of shit, or what?"). But I would also not be surprised if I knew some who have or know none of those things.
And what's wrong with that? Which leads to…
3. It uses the word "should." We live in a damn society of "shoulds." I would say that a bulk of people's internal anxiety stems from trying (and failing) to live up to the pressure of "shoulds." You should have children. You should provide for your wife and kids. You should go to college, and it should be right after high school. You should stay loyal to your spouse who supports you financially, even if s/he mistreats you. You should stay chaste until marriage. You should only date/sleep with/marry someone of the opposite gender. You should keep that baby, even if its father raped you. I'm getting extreme, but these are all statements that are being made, by our peers, by our families, by our political leaders.
"Should" is directly correlated with guilt. If you don't do something you "should" no, chances are you'll be guilted or shamed about it. So what happens if a woman approaching 30 does not have or know a bulk of the items on this list? Is she slacking off in life? Doing things "wrong"? Is she a failure?
Here's how I rank (I'm 29, so thankfully I still have nine months to catch up):
By 30, you should have …
1. One old boyfriend you can imagine going back to and one who reminds you of how far you've come. I have the latter, but not the former, so 0.5.
2. A decent piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in your family. Based on the other material stipulations on this list, I'm going to guess IKEA doesn't count. 0.
3. Something perfect to wear if the employer or man of your dreams wants to see you in an hour. Aside from my gag reflex to the phrase "man of my dreams"… I suppose I have this. 1.
4. A purse, a suitcase, and an umbrella you're not ashamed to be seen carrying. I do not, nor may I ever, own a suitcase. My umbrella has robots on it, but I'm not ashamed so… 0.6.
5. A youth you're content to move beyond. Yes. 1.
6. A past juicy enough that you're looking forward to retelling it in your old age. Yes. 1.
7. The realization that you are actually going to have an old age — and some money set aside to help fund it. Nope. I'm going to be young forever. 0.
8. An email address, a voice mailbox, and a bank account — all of which nobody has access to but you. Yes. 1.
9. A résumé that is not even the slightest bit padded. Thankfully, yes. 1.
10. One friend who always makes you laugh and one who lets you cry. Yes. 1.
11. A set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill, and a black lace bra. I have one screwdriver. I also want to point out the ridiculousness of including "black lace bra" in here. Why? Because a woman needs to assert her sexiness despite having tools? (And "black lace bra" is how she does it? An embellished bodily support device?) Just having tools isn't enough to stand on its own? Fuck that. Besides, I don't have a black lace bra. 0.3.
12. Something ridiculously expensive that you bought for yourself, just because you deserve it. I think $100 boots are ridiculously expensive, so no. 0.
13. The belief that you deserve it. Yes. 1.
14. A skin-care regimen, an exercise routine, and a plan for dealing with those few other facets of life that don't get better after 30. Crap, no. 0.
15. A solid start on a satisfying career, a satisfying relationship, and all those other facets of life that do get better. Ehhh… 0.5.
By 30, you should know …
1. How to fall in love without losing yourself. Dunno… 0.5 here I think.
2. How you feel about having kids. Nope. 0.
3. How to quit a job, break up with a man, and confront a friend without ruining the friendship. … 0.5.
4. When to try harder and when to walk away. I think I've got this one down. 1.
5. How to kiss in a way that communicates perfectly what you would and wouldn't like to happen next. Actually, I use my words instead of hoping that the other person speaks "passive aggressive kiss language." 0.
6. The names of the secretary of state, your great-grandmothers, and the best tailor in town. I AM ZERO ON THIS. Why? 1. I'm not good with names of political figures 2. Culturally, I do not call my elders by name and 3. I don't get my clothes tailored. I don't have that financial luxury. 0.
7. How to live alone, even if you don't like to. Yes. 1.
8. Where to go — be it your best friend's kitchen table or a yoga mat — when your soul needs soothing. Yes. 1.
9. That you can't change the length of your legs, the width of your hips, or the nature of your parents. Oh… I do know this but I'm still reconciling with the third. But 1.
10. That your childhood may not have been perfect, but it's over. It's over, but its effects are still in my adulthood. 0.5
11. What you would and wouldn't do for money or love. Pretty much. 1.
12. That nobody gets away with smoking, drinking, doing drugs, or not flossing for very long. Yeah… guess so. 1.
13. Who you can trust, who you can't, and why you shouldn't take it personally. Rationally, I understand this. Emotionally? Still working on it. 0.5.
14. Not to apologize for something that isn't your fault. Getting there… 0.5.
15. Why they say life begins at 30. Meh. My life has been happening ever since I was born. 0.
My total score is 17.4 – that's 58%. And I am a straight-identified woman who was raised in an upper middle class environment; the only thing that is blatantly culturally disparate is that I've never had reason to know my ancestors' names. Does this mean I'm falling behind in life? (My parents might say yes.) I don't believe so. By the time I'm 30, I doubt much of this will have changed – especially the items that are dependent on some level of financial success beyond what I have now.
When I linked to this article on Facebook, I wrote that the title should say "every straight upper middle class woman who primarily identifies with western/American culture" instead of "every woman." A commenter quickly pointed out that the article was published in Glamour and that is their target demographic. And because I'm difficult and like to cite things, I linked to Glamour's branding statement:
The magazine that helps every woman become the "DO" she was born to be.
Smart, chic and all-American, Glamour gives readers exactly what they need to transform every part of their lives: from their closets to their love lives and and beyond.
There we go again with the "every woman." Now, I recognize the absurdity of qualifying the word "woman" with everything I mentioned above, in a title or brand. I suppose that's not really my issue. My issue is that in touting such a blanket category as "every woman," the actual content of this list (and the magazine, but we won't tackle that today) is so narrow-minded that it disqualifies the reality of many women – women who are almost 30, women who might read Glamour, women who might pick up the book thinking it could impart some wisdom. For me to score only 58% on a list of things that "every woman" turning 30 should have and know, and to recognize that some of those things aren't even what I would aspire to, tells me that that list is not actually for me. It ignores the vast realm of possibility for "all-American" women (as opposed to part-American? Oh shit, does that mean me, too? Can a child of immigrants be "all-American?"), who are not all straight, who are not all upper middle class, who are do not all have adequate opportunities to establish a strong career before or by age 30. (And those who don't like black lace bras, apparently.) It, like many other pieces of media, once again marginalizes the experience of those who do not align with the most visible, socially accepted, majority culture.
I fully believe that there is a way to communicate the intrinsic messages behind the specific, alienating statements on this list in a more universal and equally effective way. Hmm… challenge accepted. Stay tuned.
Like this:
Be the first to like this post.
