Daniel Coffey
You finally made the big decision. After careful consideration, you've realized that, although you may not be a "dime," you're definitely better than "maybe if I were drunk enough."
You're ready to become the woman you want to be for the rest of your life, and that woman has straight bangs. You're ready to feel those glorious little hairs run across your forehead to join the ranks of beautiful women such as Zooey Deschanel. The only problem is that there is a 99 percent chance you will end up looking like that one girl in your journalism class who got straight bangs and now has a severe case of fat-face.
I call it the "real 1 percent." I'm referring to the top 1 percent of people in the world who can actually pull off the popular fashion trends.
You and I both know, for every 100 girls with straight bangs you see, 99 of them just aren't quite doing it right.
The problem is that we live in a society where everyone thinks they belong to that 1 percent. Most people will go through that thought of "I can pull it off" at some point in their life.
Next time you have that thought, ask yourself a few questions: Do I have the bone structure of a model? Am I built like a Greek god or goddess? Do people tell me I'm the sexiest thing since "Two Girls One Cup?"
If you answered "no" to any of these questions, you probably can't pull it off.
The 99 percent problem sees no gender, either. Bro tank tops have become an epidemic as of late. Men of all shapes and sizes have turned to bro tanks to tell society "Hey, I think I look like The Situation meets Fabio and I want to show off my arms, so I decided this is the least douchey way I could do it."
Karleena Hitchcock/Nevada Sagebrush: Columnist Daniel Coffey advises against sporting unflattering blunt bangs, and wearing bro-style tanks, which showcase back acne.
Beyond the fact that most guys are overestimating the size of their arms, there is one critical problem with bro tanks: bacne.
Ninety-nine percent of guys wearing bro tanks are simply avoiding the elephant-sized zit in the room.
Nobody wants to see your pimples staring them down in class while they're trying to learn and tha'zit. See what I did there?
If you've ever cut your hair into a pixie cut, worn a romper or changed your prescription lenses to have thick, black rims, you're probably guilty of being part of that 99 percent.
It's OK, though, because society forgives you.
We've all liked that Facebook photo of a really bad haircut and have complimented an outfit we really didn't get.
There are only a handful of people in the world who can be that top 1 percent, but that doesn't mean the rest of us normies can't continue trying.
So be kind and compliment fat-face. It's not her fault she is part of the 99 percent, and chances are you will be joining the fat-face club one of these days, too.
Daniel Coffey studies international affairs. He can be reached at opinion@nevadasagebrush.com.
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